Ode to a German Waschmaschine

Here's to you German Waschmaschine... oh how we Auslanders envy your superior environmentally friendly-ness. We don't mind if it takes 2 and half hours to make our clothes wet and not remove any stains... it's the trees and little furry animals of the forest that are our first priority.

But please German Waschmaschine, don't lock my clothes in soapy water inside your magnificent frontloaded belly when you feel like shutting down.

Also, dearest German Waschmaschine, would it be possible to include a written path to follow, such that I may learn to navigate your 12 glorious cycles? With words like 'Pflegeleicht' and 'Schleudern' and 'Wishchwaesche' you make my head go through a spin cycle.

Oh sweet German Waschmaschine, can you be a little less greedy? Are 3 trays for detergent really necessary to be fed? When my clothes return to me soaked in detergent because I angered you by placing detergent in the wrong tray, I feel forsaken.

Most enlightened German Waschmaschine, I feel unworthy every time you break down and I am forced to clean my laundry in my sink or my shower... do you not love me German Waschmaschine? Am I not good enough for you?

Oh German Waschmaschine, how complicated our relationship is... but whatever I do, I just can't quit you!

...inspired by actual events